It’s not even eight a.m. when my two year old tornado has picked up his tiny snack bowl and launched it across the room. “No Mamma, NO GOLDFISH.” Hint: there was never any Goldfish to start with. Before I can gently remind him of that fact, he has fluttered into a downwards spiral and spins into chaos. The legs and arms flail as his head shakes from side to side. My toddler will encounter these moments of confusion all throughout his days, and react using his miniature body. These moments once drained and enraged me.
“Why is he so mad about something he never had to begin with?”
“What triggered him into this behavior?”
And lastly,
“Why is he doing this, to ME?”
After many books, podcasts, and articles from other frazzled parents such as myself, I no longer have these thoughts. Or it might be better to say that when these thoughts rise back into my thinking, I don’t let them govern my parenting. As the limbs are tossed around, I take a deep breathe (or 5) and let these newfound rules guide my next move.
1. Stay Calm
This is the single most important piece of parenting advice I could ever offer. Close your eyes, clench your fists, walk out of the room if you must, but nothing will ever be resolved without a clear line of thinking. Staying calm not only ensures that you’ll be able to redirect your child, but is paramount to keeping your sanity intact. Do you really want to be the parent scaring the daylight of your child because you gave in to momentary rage? If you’re reading this, I’m going to assume that’s a no. This moment, like all moments, will pass. Only when you are able to demonstrate that for yourself will your child learn the same applies to them.
2. Encourage Them To Clean Up Their Messes
Let’s say that my son’s snack bowl was filled with Goldfish before tossing it across the room. Maybe he was mad, maybe he wanted to watch it “rain,” or maybe he just wanted to see what would happen. The logic of a toddler is a mess of unhinged lawlessness. In that disarray, I try to correlate a “punishment” (or I like to say consequence) to the action. In the case of soaring Goldfish, the appropriate repercussion would be to make sure those little orange crackers swim right back into their bowl or straight to the trash.
In these moments, I’ll immediately follow mess making with cleanup. “Okay bud, these little guys can’t be hanging out on the floor. Can we get them back into their bowl?” Now, not only are we cleaning up, but a game has been established! He has a clear task to complete, and the chaos that prompted his tantrum can fade away.
3. Give Them Something To Hold
This is a follow-up to strategy #2. Together, you’re cleaning up, and the meltdown is in the rear view. I am walking the bowl to the trash, and he is proudly walking behind me ready to assist. He sticks his little foot out on the trash pedal to life the lid, but his thirty pounds of weight is not enough. Taken back, he tries again to which the same thing happens. I can see the anguish building up again, and move QUICK.
“Hey bud, can you hold this… uh… tissue for me while I get the trash?”
I scoot to my countertop and yank out a tissue. Does this have any relation to what we’re doing? No. Am I teaching anything valuable at this moment in time? No. What I am doing is redirecting a potential outburst and giving him the feeling of assistance. Children genuinely want to help, all the time! Anytime there is a teachable moment to use as a learning opportunity, I will take it. But this is the real world where sometimes, I only have five seconds between me and a hurricane of baby tears. So long as it’s safe, I will beat that five second time bomb by grabbing anything nearby to offer. One time, I was only able to locate a paper towel roll which led to a full hour of talking into the “megaphone.” My kid got creative and I narrowly avoided a blowup. It’s a win-win.
4. Play With Them (Put Down Your Phone)
At the end of the day, what my kids want more than anything else is my attention. My sweet teeny ten month old nesting in my arms just wants to be held, while my toddler pushing his tow truck around just wants me to impress me with his sick racing skills. And he does! I let him know that by transforming our dining room into a race track. Or maybe he’s building a tower, and needs someone to hold the blocks. Whatever scenario is presently ruling his imagination is his whole world, and being apart of that is crucial. Not only do I genuinely love participating in his created situations, but I love encouraging his self esteem. When I invest my time into his make believe worlds, I invest it largely into his thinking. He knows that Mom believes in him. He knows that if can’t take time to play with him, I’m preoccupied with something important. Why? Because he can depend on me to play with him in every other unoccupied second.
Putting down the phone essential because I don’t want my son to equate spare time with a phone. In my early days of parenthood, I remember my son taking my phone and placing it on the ground before he would grab my hand. Maybe I’m biased to the genius of his developing brain, but it was an immediate lesson for me. Mom is Mom, and her time is not to be in competition with a phone.
I’m only reading the experts, I am not one myself.
Kathlyn Ramsey Moore 