Baseline

I hear the pitter-patter of little feet on the hardwood floor
Lennox plants a kiss on my cheek
I open my eyes, and Gable sets down my coffee on the night table 
After they take turns bidding me good morning, I roll around a few times more
Before I unfold my bones for the day

Heel to toe
Knee to ankle
Hip to thigh
Stiff as a board
Cracked joints tether 
I breathe through the stretch before murmuring 
“No no no no no”
Hoist up the chest to the belly  
Somewhere in my shoulder, something jostles
Okay, no, I’m really getting up now
It’s been twenty minutes
LET’S GO
I simultaneously swing my feet to the floor and fling my spine upright 
That tricky, tricky spine
The cancer highway with 33 exits
But Cancer City, the epicenter, is off Exit L1

I bring my hands to my head and puff out a few breaths
Hi, Day! 
I’m unfolded, and just about ready to stand up now!
UGH!

So this is the baseline
This is my battle prize
A trade was made
My survival slain my youth
The scraps of motherhood left behind
And at 33, I curse at the stairs while clutching the bannister 
And hobble along the hardwood
Careful to keep pressure off my left foot
Another epicenter in the marrow of the cuneiform 
My right knee is taking the brunt
The old maid has made it down the stairs!

Oh, the perils I’ll endure as the hours pass
Morning nausea, an everyday chemical hangover that mocks my sobriety

Followed by muscle spasms
An aged and rounding face in the mirror will taunt me all the while
Don’t let me sit down, or I could fall asleep for three hours
These thoughts all held together from within the scratchy scalp from where the staples held my skull together
And these damn stairs

But I’m good!
I’m okay! 
I’m here! 
It’s aaaaall good
No, really, it’s totally fine! 
I am THANKFUL and GRATEFUL to be here
Some version of me is present! 
And in just a short amount of time, on some future date
I’ll be back to normal! I’ll be back!
The life that I had is still waiting for me
Right?
I am not watching my life pass by me
I am not a ghost of my former self
I am not perpetually dangling at the edge of death
It’s totally normal to slide through the days a conveyor belt through imaging machines

So it wasn’t just a stop passing through
It is every day now 

Like stumbling on the road home after war
I look for the flickering light of the human I used to be 
I swore I saw her, 
I swore she said she’d meet me here, but maybe that was months ago?
Or maybe she died on the way home, too