‘Mom, Are You Gonna Die?”

“HEY MOM,” Jet yells from the next room, 

“Is your cancer so big like a monster?

“WHAT?!” 

I zip from the kitchen into the living room to see him holding his arms out like he’s holding a big belly with his mouth scrunched up. I guess this is supposed to be a monster?

“Are your bones, like, so so full of cancer? Like so big and you’re gonna diiiiie.”

He dramatically gurgles up his pretend belly.

“Mom, are you gonna die?” Like sooooo dead?”

If I were trying to play it cool, the escaping breath certainly gives me away.  Wide-eyed, I look at him reassuringly, but we are so beyond pretending that this doesn’t exist.

“Okay, bud, wow. Wow, that’s a big question!”

Jet is fully playing dead on the floor with his tongue out. 

“OH NO!” Yells Lennox. “Brother Jet is dead!”

She kneels down to him and cradles his face in her tiny hands. “Not my sweet big brother, I will miss you, brotha!” She scrunches her face behind her trademarked gritted teeth and then begins to kiss his cheeks over and over. He sneaks his hand out and tickles her into they are fully rolling on the ground. I am thankful for this playful turn, though I can still hear the blood rushing through my head. My clammy hands look for purchase on the back of the dining room chair, and I sink into it all while continuing to smile. By the time I am hopeful that all is forgotten, Jet gets on his knees and calls my name.

“Mommy, mommy, so what do you think?” Lennox echoes the retort with “Yeah, Mom, is the cancer going to get you?”

It’s already got me, I think. 

“Well, it is in my body, but Dr. May and the rest of the nurses are working so hard to keep Mommy alive! I am so big and tough because I eat healthy foods and play outside!” I stand up as tall as I can and flex my muscles. 

“Mommy is a warrior, and I will conquer!”I bellow the last word, which riles the kids into a frenzy. 

“And I am tough because I have lightning powers!” Jet proclaims as he extends his hand out towards the window in what is clearly a thrust of his lightning powers to the elements. Lennox twirls around in response. “I have Elsa’s ice powers and I am really, really, really, super-duper ally-ooper strong!” 

We spend the next ten minutes unleashing our powers in the dining room before Jet decides to encapsulate his abilities in a drawing while Lennox extends the magic to her dolls. 

I slip into the pantry, and as the door closes behind me, the plug is pulled. Tears cascade down my face, and I let them fall. Just a quick two-minute menty B until I can take a deep breath and exit the small alcove with dry cheeks. 

When I return to the dining room threshold, I freeze the moment in my head. Jet is putting the finishing touches on his Sirenhead with Lightning powers, and Lennox has just started another performance of Let It Go. 

Jet matter-of-factly puts the crayon down. 

“Here, mommy, I drawed you a picture of you and sirehead using your lightning powers to beat the cancer!”

A tear swells in the corner of my eye as I take the picture in my hands. After a dramatic representation, I lean down and kiss his face. We agree to relay these powers to Dr. May for her medical consideration. 

“Can you promise me that you will use these powers so that you don’t die?” Lennox interrupts at the first chance.

And I promise both of them to use these lightning powers until my last breath.